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Wednesday, January 18, 2012

The Creeper

It begins almost like an idea.  A fleeting feeling that is almost like a passing thought.  Before I can register what might be happening the moment is gone, and I go on with my day.  A bit later it happens again.  Yet, again, it goes mostly unnoticed.  This fast disappearing feeling is just the start, and I won't recognize it for what it is until it's too late.

The next thing I notice are the lights.  They're somewhat small, almost like glitter falling around me.  I turn my head to watch it fall, but it disappears as I look it's way.  Next comes the assault.  The army takes aim at me, and begins their strike.  First a blow to the left side, then a blow to the right.  It comes from all angles until it settles at one point of my head and stays there.  The pain growing as the time passes.  I took the medicine, but it's not working.  I'm falling asleep.  Falling, falling, falling.

Waking up brings me to a point that is no better than the one I left.  The light attacks my eyes and sends fresh pain shooting through my head.  It seems like my entire body is fighting me.  I can't think straight, can't keep my eyes open, yet keeping them closed does not keep the pain away.  The sounds around me are harsh.  What should be my cat's soft steps are massive strikes on a drum nearly as big as the earth itself.  I fear my ears will bleed.  The pressure is tremendous.  Why isn't the medicine working?  Why?

The pain is so intense.  I feel like I'm defending myself against an invader I cannot see.....an invader I have no weapons to fight.  I can't do anything to stop it.  It grows like a living creature inside my head.  An angry beast trying to pick me apart from the inside out.  My head can no longer contain the chaos within.  It tries to escape through my ears, but the popping doesn't release the enemy.  It spreads down my neck into my shoulders.

I can't move any part of my body.  If I even contemplate shifting, my body protests.  Screams coming from within every muscle.  My eyes see through tunnels.  The flashing lights in the periphery only aggravate my sensitive vision. My stomach is boiling.  It churns like a sea on the verge of a storm.  I am sick.  My head screams in agony from the pressure of being sick.

The pain escalates.  I don't know how much more my head can take.  I don't know how much more I can take.  I feel like I'm losing my mind.  I fear I'm dying.  I want to scream.  I cry.  The tears burn like lave flowing out of my sore eyes.  My ears are ringing.  I can't hear well, I can't see.  I feel like I'm slipping away.  I'm dizzy.  I'm passing out.

Passing out is a welcome comfort.  As I wake up once more the pain is easing.  Either the medicine or my body have finally begun to gain the upper hand in this fight.  I feel groggy and sore.  I still don't want to move.  I hesitate to breathe deeply for fear that I might awaken the monster again.  Breathe.  Relax.  Breathe.

I know in my mind this monster is a migraine.  It's an evil that I face yet cannot eradicate.  I know I'm not dying while I'm suffering, but still, the fear is there.  Perhaps my doctor will be the knight the slays the dragon.  Relief has to be close at hand.  I'm missing work.  Missing my life laying in bed trying to just feel human again.  Each time it erupts I wonder will this be an hour, a day, two?  I wait for the day where I can count more than a week between migraines.  I wait for the day where even though the monster may always be present, hopefully it will lie sleeping.  

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